I didn’t want to write this.

Because it’s chock full of feelings and emotions, and I’m not good with that sort of stuff.

I don’t want to be good at that sort of thing.

I feel like I’m sitting on some steps being all pouty with my chin cradled in my hands. Waiting.

For what? I don’t know.

Maybe for someone to take initiative for me. To take care of me. For the doctors to act like they care and to just make appointments for me.

Adulting is hard, right?

So, today I’m going to email my doctor, but I don’t want to.

What if I drive the two hours to get this open MRI, and I have something?

Or, worse…

What if I drive the two hours, go through all these tests and…

Absolutely nothing is wrong?

What if all this has just been a big waste of everybody’s time?

I’d hate that.


So, what am I going through all this for?

Maybe it’s to have emotions.

And, learn that that’s okay.

It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to feel “okay” one day and question everything the next. It’s okay to be at peace and calm and then be scared to death.

I’m scared to death right now.

Ignorance is bliss. And, I’m choosing to be blissfully ignorant in this moment. Ignorant of the fact of whether I have MS or not.

If I do nothing then I know nothing, and I can go blissfully ignorant through life like nothing is wrong.

But, then on the days when I feel not so great (Understatement.), I’d really like to know what’s going on.

So today I will email my doctor…maybe. I’m not ready, but I’ll get ready.

Is there something in life that you just don’t want to know the answer to?


Thanks for stopping by! If you’d like to check out the past posts in this series, here are the links:

Post #1

Post #2

Post #3

Post #4

Post #5

Post #6

Post #7

Post #8

Post #9

Post #10

Post #11

Have a blessed day!

10 responses to ““Ruling things out” — I don’t want to know.”

  1. Anybody with serious health issues can so relate to this…this waiting, this fear, the not knowing..and then fear of knowing…i live with these thoughts and feelings every day for past few years so I can totally understand what you’re going through….hang on, hold on….have faith 🙏💟

    1. Thank you so much for this. Just getting validated makes me breathe easier. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

  2. What we call ‘fear’ is an spiritual impulse, that acts in an organic fashion, thus it grows if we allow it… but many of us are not content with just simply allowing it to grow, we water it… fertilize it… see to it that it is planted in a well prepared bed… and all the ‘weeds’ that would choke it, we rip from the ‘soil’ of our minds…

    What is there to fear…?

    What many call ‘fear’ is really a sense of apprehension… but this is merely a warning… telling one to be weary… so one can take the necessary precautions… if the situation can be remedied, then do so… if it cannot… then the outcome is inevitable…

    If there is anything to fear, it is only what we have no input in the means of control… and the only time we have absolutely no input, is when we are no longer here…

    So… to forestall today’s apprehension, in relation to tomorrow’s happenings on the other side off the divide, we must do what must be done NOW to offset one’s coming fear…

    1. You are amazing. Thank you. I know all this, but…

      My brain gets in the way.

      I will be brave. I AM brave. And, I’m getting ready to email my doctor, because GOD is in control. And, me not emailing or moving forward won’t change a thing.

      I trust God. Because “Fear is not of the Lord. But, power, JOY, and a stable mind.” 💖

      1. 🇯🇲🏖️

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